I have a theory that Bachata was conceived during the inquisition times as a means of torture when the Spanish in the Americas were trying to break people into confessing they were Witches and Warlocks.

They would say one of two things:

‘Hey! You two! Do you like each other?’ 

Male: ‘Yes.’

Female: ‘Yes.’

‘Ok, so this is what you are going to do: you are going to dance to this song, this way, one, two, three, hip… But you are going to do it close. Really close to each other.’

Male and Female: ‘Like this?’

‘Closer, now!’ The torturer instructs shouting. ‘If I see one sniff of air between the two of you, I’m going to cut your heads off!’

So the inquisitor would put this music on and make them dance. 

Never mind about any turns or twists, patterns and any of the more elaborate stuff. 

I’m talking about just the Bachata basics, that’s all. 

After the dance that is when the torture would really begin. He would say: 

‘Now, go to your cells. Separate cells, I said!’

I bet in ten minutes they would be begging for hellfire.

Now back to real life, I keep wondering why we do this to ourselves. This dancing thing, it is like the sweetest of all tortures. 

You have these beautiful songs and your insides go all mushy, funny and all strange. Making you yearn for something you can’t describe or even understand what it is. I think it’s more addictive than any drug.

You keep going out on Tuesday, Wednesday & Sunday nights knowing that the next morning you have to wake up early and when you wake up you will be feeling like an animal hit by a truck and yet, there you are. Midnight long gone, you’ll dance just one more Bachata but walking to the car is close to impossible. 

Every step makes you think you are going to your cell all alone with a pure bed of nails for you to rest on.

I used to think it was only the ladies that would get soft knees after one dance with a mythical creature like the Red Dragon or some other. But recently I heard from a reliable source that guys suffer just the same.

The other thing the inquisitor would say is – Do you like each other?

Male: ‘No.’

Female: ‘No.’

‘Ok, so this is what you are going to do: you are going to dance to this song, this way, one, two, three, hip… But you are going to do it close. Really close to each other.’

Male and Female: ‘Like this?’

‘Closer, now!’ The torturer instructs shouting. ‘If I see one sniff of air between the two of you, I’m going to cut your heads off!’

So the inquisitor would put this music on and make them dance. 

That is, the basics steps. But it would be one of those endless songs. The fifteen minute one that is usually associated with Salsa.

The victims would truly confess everything, or maybe not. Because, even with someone you don’t much like, Bachata is still nice.